Deep questions

A very special friend of mine, Gala Guiba asked the following 2 questions that got me thinking again. Nothing new, it is my favorite pastime.

When is a good time to quit?
Is it "normal" to feel overwhelmed, suffocated, jailed, claustrophobic in a new affair?

These two questions are very interesting and obviously connected and there are no "correct" answers so I can be philosophical about it.

In this case, question 1 can almost follow question 2 and we can add to it "when does the feelings become so intense that you want to quit?" And we can extend the question to "work" or any "relationship" for that matter.

Relationships, be it romantic, work or any relationship will only work if 2 things happen.

You benefit from it
You make a contribution to it (unconditionally)

If you only have one of the 2 things happening, the relationship will suffer and fall apart, yin and yang (sort of) because sometimes one of the 2 requires a lot of effort. (I am sure you can guess which one.)

So, when is a good time to quit?

When you do not benefit AND you don't make or feel like making a contribution to a relationship, not just one of the 2. Sometimes you don't benefit because you are not making a contribution or you are making contributions to receive benefits. Sometimes you are receiving benefits and don't make contributions and then you have to beware, this cannot be sustained but it is OK to receive without doing anything. That is why the giving part should always be unconditional.

This brings me to the second question. Is it OK to feel restricted by a new relationship?

We are creatures of habit and when have been doing our own thing for a while, we get used to it and a new relationship will make you feel all the restrictions.

Relationships are compromises no matter how you look at it. Your contribution in the beginning is to make compromises. And in the middle and always. If you are not prepared to make them, you only want to benefit and as I have said, that is not sustainable. Once you have reached a stage where you are the only one making the compromises, the shoe is on the other foot and you stop getting benefits. 2/2 means you have to seriously look at the relationship. It is reaching its sell by date and needs some work from both parties.

Now I want to let you into a secret! If both parties to a relationship focusses on the second point, you will never run short of the first. The more you give, the more you get.

Easier said than done though.

There is a world outside my head

I read this phase in a book called Ignore Everybody by Hugh McLeod and it made me realize that sometimes we all live so much in our own world that we are not aware of what is going on outside our own reality. Don't get me wrong, my reality is my world and I know it but that does not mean that there aren't other realities out there.

But how do I figure out what these other realities are when my own reality is coloring everything that I experience?

Watching or reading the news is one way but I have leaned that so called unbiased news is anything but! It is the reality of the reporter or the news channel and sometimes it can be set up too. Like a good friend of mine always reminds me, there is a story behind the story behind the story. Someone once said that history is actually His Story so true. History has been written by the victors and does not reflect the reason the losers went into the battle in the first place.

So how do I get outside my own head?

Firstly by NOT being ego-friendly. Your ego will always prevent you from getting out of your own head.

Next, listen and pay attention to what is said AND implied, try to find the story behind the story. In relationships, figure out what is meant more than what is said. If someone is mad at you, is it because they are having a bad day? Is it because something you have done is putting them in a bad light or that is what they perceive? Is it that the person does not want to approach the subject directly and is using anger to force something else into the open?

Not easy I know because it is so easy to slip back into your own head. You have to put yourself in the other person's shoes.

In the end after you have ventured out of your head you do get back into your own head because that is where your reality resides but at least your reality will be colored differently by the "out of body" experience you have had.

Love and hurt

I heard a definition of love this week that got me thinking. It goes something like this:

"Love is opening yourself up so someone can really hurt you and trusting him or her not to"

There are a few of things in this quote that struck me:

To truly love someone, you have to open your inner feelings, dreams and fears to that person. If you don't, then there are trust issues to start with because you don't trust your partner enough to open yourself.

And, when you do, you open yourself to enormous possible hurt and then you have to trust your partner even more not to use that knowledge to hurt you. You are giving your loved one an enormous power and if he or she does the same, you have a similar power.

One time to remember the "trusting him or her not to" part is when you are angry or hurt. Don't use this power you have to hurt your partner because they opened themselves to you. If you do, the trust flies out of the window and the may just take the love with it.

This power has magic only if you never use it.

Countdown to 60 - wise quotes

Here are the last few lessons that I have learned in 60 years. All of the lessons are not necessarily scientific or psychologically correct and in some cases not even well worded but these are the things I have learned and I know there are many more still to come. Thanks to all those people in my life that have been my teachers - parents, friends, family, spouse, co-workers, and so many acquaintances that have improved my life on the way.  

40. If all else fails, lower your expectations

You don’t have to lower your standards though!

41. If you don’t like something in someone else you are looking in mirror

You normally don’t like to see your own shortcomings in other people.

42. You are right, I am right

Something I learned from Ma Veda. Only evil people do things they know is wrong, for the rest of us, we do what we think is the right thing given the information we have. So don’t judge someone’s behavior unless you have walked in his or her shoes.

43. The only limitations we have are those we put on ourselves.

My first lesson from ma-Veda and very true.

44. The best is yet to come.

When we grow and improve ourselves our experiences will also improve and the best is yet to come.

45. Creativity is intelligence having fun

Isn’t this very true? Creativity is the way in which we put our intelligence to work in a fun way. Unfortunately we don’t give ourselves space and time to be creative because we are so into busyness.

46. Nothing happens until something moves – Albert Einstein

To achieve anything, we have to start moving in that direction. Until we move, we are going nowhere.

47. Insanity is doing the same thing over and over and expecting a different result

Especially when we work with a computer. We keep on pressing the same key and getting the same result. Maybe we are all a bit crazy

48. Change your thinking, change your world.

If you change the way you see the world, the world will change to the way you see it.

49. Whatever you get for free has no value

Albert Einstein shows the other side of this coin: “ Sometimes one pays most for the things one gets for nothing”

The things I value most are those for which I had to work or put effort in to get. The things that come easy or for nothing really have very little value to you in the end.

50. Above all else do no harm.

This is a short version of the medical oath but it applies to all. Whatever we do, do not harm other people or nature

51. If I am coasting, I must be going downhill

This is a law of physics, if you are moving without effort, you are going downhill. Push yourself to make sure you are growing and going up.

52. No rain no rainbows

Things are not always rosy and pleasant but out of these times will come the good things of life.

53. Nature produces no waste.

If we mimic nature we will find that in all natural processes, the waste becomes the wealth of a next process or processes. It is only humans that create waste with no use, or put another way, creates waste without finding ways to turn it into wealth for something else.

54. Simplicity is the ultimate sophistication – Steve Jobs

We make things complicated when it should be simple. If something is complicated, go back and make it simple.

55. Be eco friendly but not ego friendly.

Don’t let your ego get in your way.

56. Never stop questioning

Do not accept that the way things are is the only way they can be. By constant questioning, we will find better ways to do things, better ways to behave, better ways to love.

57. You will reap what you sow

If you sow happiness you reap happiness. If you sow negativity, that is what you will reap, it is your choice.

58. You have freedom of choice, but beware the consequences.

What you cannot choose is the consequences of your choice, they are part of the choice. You cannot jump off a wall and not expect to hit the ground even though you are free to jump off the wall.

59. You are never too old to learn

Life and technology changes at such a rapid rate that if I do not constantly learn more, I will become redundant.

60. Life is wonderful

If we look for the wonders of life we will find a treasure trove. Life is simple and awesome and we have 3 reasons to be part of life

1. To learn something
2. To make a contribution
3. To enjoy ourselves in the process.

Countdown to 60 - Fruits of the Spirit

The following Fruits of the Spirit, even though they are separate are actually connected, the one leads to the other and they form a circle, not a line. As you master one, some of the others become easier. You have to practice them all the time. When you get them right it is truly Bliss.

31. Love

Be loving and loveable. Love is the ultimate gift you can give anyone and yourself. It is important to also be loveable!

32. Joy

Be joyful and fun to be with. If you are happy and joyful, you will also be fun to be with because people are attracted to joy and fun.

33. Peace

Be at peace with your self and others and content with where you are. You have to love yourself before you can be at peace with yourself. Then, even if you are alone, you will never be lonely. Being content means that you accept where you are today and make the most of it, it does not mean complacency.

34. Patience

Be tolerant and patient, especially with those close to you or those not as fortunate as you. At work, remember that those in your care are not as good as you are and with patience you will lift them up.

35. Kindness

Always be kind, even when you have to be firm. Look for kindness in everyone you deal with.

36. Goodness

Be good and do good. Look for goodness in everyone

37. Faithfulness

Be faithful and trustworthy. If you want others to trust you, you have to be faithful and trustworthy. People will only trust you if they believe in you

38. Gentleness

Be gentle with all Gods creation, not just other people.

39. Self control

You are the only one that can control yourself and your attitude. How you interpret things that happen to you is the only thing you have absolute control over. If you think you can control others, you are fooling yourself.

Countdown to 60 - continued

Here are some more lessons I have learned.

26. Catch people doing something right

This is a great philosophy to have. Go out of your way to catch people doing something right and recognize them for it. The amazing thing that will happen is it will be noticed and people will keep on doing more “right” things because they get positively noticed and recognized. A much better way than looking for everything that is going wrong. I know when I have done something wrong I do not need to be reminded, especially not in public. Rather use the mistakes as learning experiences and keep catching people doing things right

27. There is always a better way

This is a personal motto of mine. I don’t have all the answers or all the knowledge to make the ultimate decision or find the best way. There is always a better way.

This can be frustrating too, because at some stage I have to make a decision and get things done otherwise I will be in research mode all the time. Sometimes we have to do what is right for now and live with it until we get a chance to make it better again.

28. All is well that ends well, if it isn’t well, it isn’t the end.

This is a humorous slogan but true. We have to keep on trying until we get a good result in the end. If the result is not good, we are not done.

29. People don’t care how much you know until they know how much you care –

John Maxwell

I have learnt this lesson the hard way. My education, upbringing, and experience do not count in the work place until those working for me know that I care for them and have their backs.

30. Develop your strengths – delegate your weaknesses

It is important to play to your strengths and to develop them. You will enjoy the process because you will get positive feedback and will naturally do a good job.

On the other hand, delegate your weaknesses to someone who has that strength. Then your team will all work on their strengths and do exceptional work.

Countdown to 60 - The 7th Sense

This is a fun, tongue in cheek but very true subject. We all have 5 senses unless through some misfortune you have lost one.

In my walk through life, I have learned that you can acquire 2 more!

“Blake said that the body was the soul’s prison unless the five senses are fully developed and open. He considered the senses the ‘windows of the soul’ “– Jim Morrison

19. In the one ear, out the other

A lot of people may listen, but not everyone actually hears. We all have selective hearing; we hear what we want of what we understand. I will walk into a machine room and hear a motor that needs attention; someone without the knowledge of motors will only hear noise.

In general we have to listen and hear what is said or what is happening around us. Mathew Henry said “None so deaf as those who will not hear.”

The other part of hearing is that you have to stop talking if you want to listen to what other are saying, when you are silent, you hear so much more.

Someone said “Your actions speaks so loudly that I cannot hear what you are saying” and this is very true. What you say and what you do must be congruent if you want people to listen and hear what you are saying

20. You see what you look for.

Have you noticed that when you are planning to buy a new car, you see so many of them around where previously you didn’t notice? That is because we see only that which we take notice of. There are so much going on around us that we tend to filter what we want to see. Sometimes I would drive home and cannot remember what I saw on the way!

What is also true is that when we look around us and take notice of everything around us we see so much. There is a caution though, if you look for the negatives in life, that is what you will see, if you look for the beauty; that is what you will see.

For me, I look for the beauty, the positive, it is much more fun and better for my soul.

21. You cannot buy taste

There are two types of taste that which you taste in your mouth and then the subjective one of taste referring to style. Let me stick to the actual one that you experience when you eat of drink. Most of us including me do not savor food and drinks, we eat and drink too fast and therefore miss the subtle flavors that the cook or chef prepared. Some people however do not develop their taste to enable them to experience these subtleties.

Your taste buds will also tell you what you shouldn’t eat because it will be awful. So do not neglect your taste buds

22. Stop and smell the roses

Although this lesson actually means we have to stop and enjoy what we have in the present, it makes a case for developing and using our sense of smell. Some people have a keen sense of smell and they are normally those who depend on smell for their livelihood like chefs. Smell is one of the senses that we actually use a lot and it tells us what smells good, bad or dangerous. How do we develop smell? By using it. And analyzing what you smell, smelling different things so you can recognize it.

Sometimes, a smell can remind you of a wonderful time you had, or a meal or a specific dish. Those who have broken eggs in a hot car will always remember the smell of rotten eggs.

23. You cannot hug without touching

Our whole body is a touchpad, we feel with every part of our bodies, not just our fingers. If you take notice, you will feel your shirt, your socks, and the sun on your head. These are all physical touch feelings but you also have emotional feelings and those can actually also fall into the sixth sense.

Why do most people enjoy a hug? Because it involves using the sense of touch over  a big part of your body.

Concentrate a bit on what you are feeling, the texture of fabric or surfaces, the softness of someone’s hand and be impressed next time you have to screw a small nut into a bolt and you cannot see it! Our sense of touch is awesome.

24 The Sixth Sense

What is this thing called a sixth sense? How do you develop it? Not so difficult, develop and train and use your 5 physical senses. When they all work together, you will have a great 6^th Sense.

Mothers are normally good at this. You think she is not looking and you can sneak out and then it is as though she has eyes in the back of her head but really, she has a sharp sense of hearing developed with small babies, a great sense of smell so she knows what her children smells like, good eyesight and therefore she knows what you are doing even though she is not actually looking.

The sixth sense also works when there is danger. The problem is we do not always take note of the input we are getting through our senses. When you sense danger it is because subconsciously you have heard, seen, smelled, touched, tasted (or a combination) something wrong. That is one very good reason to develop your senses.

25. The 7^th Sense

Wow, what more can we do to develop a 7^th sense? Actually, if you don’t use your 5 physical senses, you do not develop the 6^th sense BUT you develop the 7^th sense – NONsense or senseless. Please do not neglect your physical sense and acquire this sense. If you have it, most things you do will be nonsense or turn out to be nonsense.