Deep questions

A very special friend of mine, Gala Guiba asked the following 2 questions that got me thinking again. Nothing new, it is my favorite pastime.

When is a good time to quit?
Is it "normal" to feel overwhelmed, suffocated, jailed, claustrophobic in a new affair?

These two questions are very interesting and obviously connected and there are no "correct" answers so I can be philosophical about it.

In this case, question 1 can almost follow question 2 and we can add to it "when does the feelings become so intense that you want to quit?" And we can extend the question to "work" or any "relationship" for that matter.

Relationships, be it romantic, work or any relationship will only work if 2 things happen.

You benefit from it
You make a contribution to it (unconditionally)

If you only have one of the 2 things happening, the relationship will suffer and fall apart, yin and yang (sort of) because sometimes one of the 2 requires a lot of effort. (I am sure you can guess which one.)

So, when is a good time to quit?

When you do not benefit AND you don't make or feel like making a contribution to a relationship, not just one of the 2. Sometimes you don't benefit because you are not making a contribution or you are making contributions to receive benefits. Sometimes you are receiving benefits and don't make contributions and then you have to beware, this cannot be sustained but it is OK to receive without doing anything. That is why the giving part should always be unconditional.

This brings me to the second question. Is it OK to feel restricted by a new relationship?

We are creatures of habit and when have been doing our own thing for a while, we get used to it and a new relationship will make you feel all the restrictions.

Relationships are compromises no matter how you look at it. Your contribution in the beginning is to make compromises. And in the middle and always. If you are not prepared to make them, you only want to benefit and as I have said, that is not sustainable. Once you have reached a stage where you are the only one making the compromises, the shoe is on the other foot and you stop getting benefits. 2/2 means you have to seriously look at the relationship. It is reaching its sell by date and needs some work from both parties.

Now I want to let you into a secret! If both parties to a relationship focusses on the second point, you will never run short of the first. The more you give, the more you get.

Easier said than done though.

There is a world outside my head

I read this phase in a book called Ignore Everybody by Hugh McLeod and it made me realize that sometimes we all live so much in our own world that we are not aware of what is going on outside our own reality. Don't get me wrong, my reality is my world and I know it but that does not mean that there aren't other realities out there.

But how do I figure out what these other realities are when my own reality is coloring everything that I experience?

Watching or reading the news is one way but I have leaned that so called unbiased news is anything but! It is the reality of the reporter or the news channel and sometimes it can be set up too. Like a good friend of mine always reminds me, there is a story behind the story behind the story. Someone once said that history is actually His Story so true. History has been written by the victors and does not reflect the reason the losers went into the battle in the first place.

So how do I get outside my own head?

Firstly by NOT being ego-friendly. Your ego will always prevent you from getting out of your own head.

Next, listen and pay attention to what is said AND implied, try to find the story behind the story. In relationships, figure out what is meant more than what is said. If someone is mad at you, is it because they are having a bad day? Is it because something you have done is putting them in a bad light or that is what they perceive? Is it that the person does not want to approach the subject directly and is using anger to force something else into the open?

Not easy I know because it is so easy to slip back into your own head. You have to put yourself in the other person's shoes.

In the end after you have ventured out of your head you do get back into your own head because that is where your reality resides but at least your reality will be colored differently by the "out of body" experience you have had.